L'esprit de l'escalier



22 years of age | Nursing Grad | AREMT | Ordinary Muggle | Book Enthusiast | Dog lover | Chef in my own world | Techie | Anti Social | Future Flight Paramedic

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Posts tagged "personal"

That’s what they all say - but I still tend to do so. 

Just came back from roving through three cemeteries. One of our seniors was wearing some kind of a spooky mask and was leaning out the car window, scaring passers by while we were laughing hysterically at their reactions. Absolutely one of the most fun Halloweens I had.

My tita from the US visited about a week ago, and told me that she would sponsor my studies in the US for any course that I want to take up. But there’s a catch - that I take my Nursing Board exams here in the Phil. Maaaaan. Just checked and found out that the deadline for filing was earlier this day. </3 Now I have to wait for another 5 months before acing the exam. LOL. Talk about bad timing.

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Kuya Paul and Ate Camille’s wedding held last April 6. Kuya’s one of my most favorite cousins. I never thought he would be growing up to be that serious quickly, thinking about marriage.

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Hello there Mercados! :)

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Funny thing is, the wedding entourage was composed mostly of adults - I got to be the Arrhae bearer - see?

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Oh and yeah, I was seriously drooling about the birthday cake ate Camille gave kuya Paul during the wedding. (PS it’s not the wedding cake) Hope someone gives me an ambulance cake too! 

Said one character from a movie I watched about two weeks ago on HBO. He also said that you should just write first, without stopping to think, without changing the essence of what you are putting into paper. And that’s what I am doing right now, I’m gonna be trying to write, to blog as I have done before. I believe my capacity to write has gone rusty, since I haven’t been using the old brain for quite some time now. Not for writing, or doing anything, in fact. Where have I been all these months? I don’t know. I may have been lost in the nothingness of my own personality, holding grudges, cocooning myself in the dark depths of solitude.
I have been deluding myself into waiting for opportunities that wouldn’t happen. Been waiting for things that wouldn’t change. My life has come to a standstill, and I am hating every moment of it. This is the point where I am pondering on decisions made long past,with questions arising such as, “What ifs” and statements like “if only’s.”
But I do take certain steps in order to bring the old David into action, once again. Might take a mighty long time, but I still hope it’ll be worth it in the end.

Had another episode of lockjaw earlier. I accompanied my mom to fix something at the Cityhall. One random moment, I just yawned and poof, instant lockjaw. She was like freaking out and was telling me, “May clinic diyan sa kanto, pacheck up ka na.” I was like, “Wang na, mili nalang nayo ngamot tamos uwi na nayo.” (Bili nalang tayo gamot, tapos uwi na tayo). Good thing I was with her that time. I wouldn’t know what to do to be able to commute solo. I’d be like, “Manong mayad mo. Iyang iyinmil mo.” with drool sloshing over my front.

That would just be drop dead embarrassing.

You wanna know what the truth is? I still love you and I probably will love you for a very long time. But I can’t just be your buddy, because as much as I enjoy the concept of being “just friends” in reality it’s a bizarre form of torture and I’m just not willing to participate in it. So right now what I wanna do is just move on and get over you and the only way for me to do that is to not be around you anymore.
  • Me: Hey heart, why are you sulking?
  • Heart: I'm feeling so lonely. It's been awhile since you've partnered me with another heart. All these time, I've spent in solitude, thinking and waiting for you to "find the right one", whatever you call it. I need a partner too, 'ya know?
  • Me: Sorry if i'm making you feel that way. Sorry if you think that I've abandoned all attempts to find you your partner. Sorry if it seems like i'm biding my time, doing things I wanna do, and not minding you in the process. It's just that I don't wanna see you hurt again. Remember that particular time, when your so called "love of your life" left you all alone? I've found you distressed, raw and bleeding. Nothing I said changed your perception of what love is. You kept thinking she'd come back for you. You kept hoping she'll return, but no - you just shut yourself in my chest and made yourself oblivious to all the beautiful things this world has to offer.
  • Heart: But I can't do anything! She promised me that we'll stay together forever!
  • Me: I know. But promises aren't enough. Now, if you give me more time, I'll find someone for both of us. Someone that will last. It may not be forever, but at least, I'll make sure we'll stay together for a lifetime. We'll find what we're looking for, in the end. But not yet, dear heart, not yet.

We were drinking a bit last night with some close friends of mine when one of them decided to read our palms. I was surprised because he’s a guy and he does those kind of things. 

When it was my turn, I suddenly felt nervous. Nervous because whatever he foretells might come true. According to him, my fate line was hazy (I was the only one with the hazy prediction wtf). That I will be lost a few times in the course of life, but that I will have a progressive growth careerwise. When it comes to love, I will be meeting a lot of people but that there would be this one girl, and I quote, who’ll go “pabalik-balik sa buhay mo”. Wonder who that is though. Healthwise, no major problems. 

What bothers me the most is that particular haziness. That I was the one who has to make the most number of decisions in life. And that there’s this one decision that would haunt me for the rest of my life. :( 

I’ve been out of tumblr for awhile. Though I do check my dashboard every other day or so. The number of followers have been dropping like hell, but what do I care? Those who stayed from day one are still there and I love you guys. 

Been busy with trainings and such. Yep, pursuing EMT na. Yay. First steps into being a paramedic. Ya’ll know how I hate working in a hospital because of the repetitiveness of work. Plus I’m looking for that Adrenalin rush you get when accidents happen, when you are rescuing people. The challenge of saving as many lives as possible.

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